Scrubbing the mold

Do you know, I still dream of you sometimes
Your raven hair spread on the pillow
Your pale skin, your slender limbs
The sweet bliss that are your lips
And it hurts so much still
I have loved you
And love is supposed
To be forever
Your absence is an ugly wound
That never quite healed

I’m telling myself, you can
Keep your trains
I have my own engine now
It greets me with a soft rumble
And a heart made of heat,
Molten gold on the tarmac,
Painted by the headlights
Keep your tracks of wrought iron
I’ve chosen the roads, unbound

I have forgiven you for leaving
But it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t hurt less
I used to see you at the station
And every time I looked away
Seeing you was like fire over my body,
Raw power surging over my skin.
I knew I still belonged to you,
Body and heart and soul and all my love for the road
Everything I’d have given
Just to have you in my arms again

I’m not sure if you know,
I have killed our unborn child
It was just before Christmas
Like it is now. I was alone, and afraid,
And you were slipping through my fingers
And I knew I couldn’t hold you
And I kept it a secret
For all of four years,
Though I had written that song
But I don’t know if you understood.

I have hated her who took you away
With a burning passion etched in the pits of my eyeballs
I have seen her, too, with you at the station
She was pretty after a fashion
But did she hold up to me,
Did she give you what you need,
Could she take your guilt, and your pain,
And be there still and keep strong?
I hoped she’d screw up
For a year, I prayed you’d come back to me
I kept my doors open for you, I kept
This wound in my heart undressed

It’s still there, you know
I just piled stuff upon it
Until I couldn’t see it anymore
Seeking for distractions
Until it festered angry and hot
And all the dreams I kept whole for you
All those dreams have grew mold
And I’m not praying for your return anymore
I could not possibly survive this
And I want to live still
So here I am, using my precious time alone
Cleaning the mess that you left,
Scrubbing the mold